Customer Service

B: Dude customer came in and said can I ask you a question. You have NO IDEA how badly I wanted to say, it's hooded and at the top of the vagina.

B: I controlled myself.

M: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahh. Oh please do and when he says "what?" just smile and ask if you can help him with anything. No one will believe his story. oh please.

Defense Strategy

B: I have a goddamn yeast infection and I want to punch everyone at work in their stupid fat faces.

M: ahahahahahaha all that nasty sex!! That's a badge of honor. I'd lay my vagisil proudly on my desk. It says "I have amazing sex and I might be contagious." It's a win-win. People will envy you and leave you alone.

B: And if they don't then the itching and burning will clearly aid in my insanity defense when I stab their faces off.

M: Completely.

Hygeine

M: I am spending the day shaving my carpet. Literally.
M: My fucking vacuum ate the shit out of the rug in my front room so I have to shave it square by square with J's trimmers.

B: We really are living the dream.

M: Also. Don't try googling "how to shave a carpet". the results will not be helpful.

B: Well not helpful for your current situation but I imagine there are educational opportunities there.

M: Right. What I call "the lazy look" or "winter" has a very big following in the porn industry.

B: I think that's going to be my next goal - rocking an epic bush. I want to make some unsuspecting dude startle.
B: Lots of thigh hair action too. Hanging out the sides of the underpants. Thoughts?

M: I think it would be very retro. Plus swimming suits would be awesome.

B: I will name it "Kate Moss".

M: Or Chewbacca.
M: You can buy bigger underwear to accomodate her.

B: Chewbacca sounds bitey. I want to startle, not never get laid. Vagina dentata seems intimidating.

M: Ok Princess Leia then?

B: I like how your mind works.

M: Keep track of all the comments you get when guys first see her and we can write a book.

Zombies

B: So I've been watching The Walking Dead. Like nonstop. I walk into my house and it smells weird. Instead of thinking something normal, like I need to take the trash out, my first thought is "Oh shit! There is prob a zombie in here". That's totally rational, right?

M: Completely. Hopefully you were prepared to kill it through it's brainstem. PS - I think you are totally badass to watch that show solo. J loves it and I am a total weenie about it.

B: It scares the shit out of me!

M: It makes me want to hoard supplies like the Mormon people do.
M: Scratch that- too much work. It makes me want to be friends with more Mormon people.
M: Also, I'm sure our supplies of vodka and lortab would not be on the Mormon list.
M: My phone just autocorrected lortab to Korean! Although all are welcome at my zombie party, no discrimination here.....

B: See above restrictions for why we dont have more Mormon friends. I think it makes sense for us to focus on lortab and vodka. Let them take care of the other shit and during the zombie invasion we will pretend to convert when we get hungry.

M: This is why you are in charge of asset management in our little company! you amaze me with your ideas.

B: I bet a Korean on lortab would be sort of fun. Sort of like how Asians with southern accents make me laugh without fail.

M: True story. Have you tried the new doughnut shop over by me? Run by aforementioned Asian folks and its amazing!

B: Holy Shit! I must go immediately to get Asian doughnuts.

M: They have meat filled ones........

B: Shut your whore mouth. Meat doughnuts? That sounds delicious.

M: Right?? More things should be filled with meat.

B: I want a cheesburger doughnut now. And I wand to eat it zombie style with lurching.

M: Hide under your car if you see them coming, apparently zombies are stupid and dont bend down. PS- why isnt Jesus considered a zombie?? Not fair that he got a pass

B: Zombies aren't thinkers but being one doesnt seem too stressful though. Except Jesus I guess. He had to be kind of tense during all that unpleasentness, dont you think? If he were all, "it's ok, I suffer for you" how come no one said, " Whatever Zombie Jesus, thanks for the guilt trip".

Advice

B: I am wearing a supremely bad ass scarf today and a customer told me it looked like road kill. I hate people.

M: You should have stabbed them with your knitting hook

B: As always you're absolutely right?
B: Not a question. Stupid phone.

M: It could be a question though. As if verifying my awesome correctness??

B: Good point.

Parenting

M: are you still selling cookies? I need to put in an official order with you.

B: Yeah, I forgot we were supposed to be selling. I rule at parenting.

M: Your children (I assume) are at his moment being educated, full of food, wearing clothes. Complete parenting win if you ask me. Somedays that is all you can do......

Good Friend

M: I might need help to breathe. His mom seriously just said that from the day he married me ( 10 fucking years ago), he has been tense and weighed down and he would have been better with someone else. And he can't articulate well enough to defend me against her craziness. I'm so sad that he can't do this. I cant breathe.

B: what the goddamned fuck kind of bullshit is that? J loves you dearly. That is the most hurtful mean shit I've ever heard. She doesn't deserve to know you. Unbelievable. What the fucking hell is wrong with her?! That's it.you have gone above and beyond with her. Fuck them.

M: I love you, you help me breathe

B: I love you like crazy. You are not even in her universe, let her make noise. It's all she's got. You are incredible and strong and everything she is not.

M: you can't ever go AWOL. I'm going to take drugs and go to bed. I have to save premature babies tomorrow so suck that mother-in-law.

B: I have to sell lights.......we all have our little things that keep us busy during the day. Sleep. Rest your head. I love you so much.

Hoarders Hope

B: The girls room looks like an episode of Hoarders. I need Paxton.

M: Whatever, you know you just threw their stuff around and sprinkled dead cats here and there to make you show eligible.

M: That's a desperate act but his sense of smell is prob so shot that he won't be able to smell it on you.

B: My thoughts exactly.....

New Year

M: Happy New Year, love. This one will be better.

B: Happy New Year. It'll be better or we'll fucking stab it. Love you.

Dec 2011

Actual text exchange between me and M, during an episode of "Hoarders". My crush on Matt Paxton of Clutter Cleaner should be more well documented than it is. And I love this conversation so much I felt it needed to be immortalized.

B: Matt Paxton: "I don't want a flea landing on me that's been living in someone's poop for 5 years." The man is a GOLDMINE of quotes.

M: Seriously. He's like the mother Theresa of shit. See, that's why I don't trust cat people. That bitch just pet a cat carcass on top of a pile of poop diapers.

B: I KNOW. I feel about cats the same way I do about kids. I only really like my own. And yours. Kid that is. WTF was Paxton doing ON TOP of poop mountain? I don't care if I was in full HazMat, no thanks.

M: Cats. I don't like any. They are all shady and judgey. They walk around, all "I have nine lives and I have judgment eyes and I watch you have sex". Bitches.

B: "the last place I wanna die is under a pile of your diapers" Also that sentence you wrote sort of describes me, minus the sex watching.

M: See, this is why you can't sleep with Paxton. Because he's been on mountains of shit. There is no condom thick enough.

B: I know. I could still hang out with him though right? And just write down things he says? JESUS quit showing me dead cats!

M: PS When I get old and crazy(er) which is a total given, I'm not going quietly into the old folks home, I am going whole hog and shitting in diapers and making sculptures of them. Consider yourself warned. Warned whatever, you'll be there too. I'd have more fun retiring with you.

B: Let's be roommates. Shit creativity doubled. Also. I think there's some abnormality with the level of enjoyment I get from this disgusting filth.

M: No cats allowed though. I don't want the judgment when their decomposing bodies are found. And yes you can hang with Paxton. I want to come too. And that's what you think is abnormal about you? You haven't been paying attention...

B: I feel like writing fangirl letters to him. Let's wear muumuus and lots of jewelry in our hoard. Plus the loose drapey gowns will hide diaper panty lines. I'm going full-on batshit crazy in retirement.

M: I wrote a letter on your behalf. I asked him for a signed photo and the dick hasn't written me back. I told you I love you.

B: Goddamn him. More stalking needed. And I'm touched by the depth of your love. I will do equal crazy shit just for you.

M: Let's write him every day with just his best quote listed and signed "forever yours" in shit with our names.

B: Cocktail hour starts at 10 am in our hoard.

M: I need a wolf pelt to wear in our hoard. Cocktails will be the one thing we keep clean.

B: Ooh! Let's send Paxton pictures of litter boxes too. I would dip a qtip in shit to sign my name. Hell, you have a kid in diapers. We have access to shit that's NOT EVEN OURS.

M: GD genius. And what's with all these people "losing" money in their hoard? I don't even lose cash in my washer. We won't be angry hoarders! We will be drunk and happy in our muumuus!

M: OK, I'm taking my allergy ass to bed. No Christmas trees in our hoard. In fact I'm going to be Jewish next year.

B: Mazel tov!