Regarding Upcoming Turkey-themed Craft Night

M: Excited about seeing you, creepy turkey not withstanding. B: Right? That turkey is a fucking horror show. It looks panicked. M: Exactly the welcome you want on Thanksgiving. "Holy shit, run, they'll eat you" M: But, I think you have to say shit like that is cute. B: You can practically hear it screaming. B: Well yeah obviously I like it. Its horror amuses me. M: Maybe I've hung around the stupids too long. M: Seriously I like any craft that has the word waddle in it. B: If it were contagious we'd have been fucked a long time ago. M: It took me a few reads to understand that text. I liked all the possible interpretations.

Running Away

B: My hair's dirty so I'm wearing a hat. Does that say "cute mom" or "pathetic aging hipster"? M: Cute mom totally. I want to cry today with the thought of making another day happen. Sigh. I *might* want to run away. B: Fuck it. Let's Thelma and Louise this shit. I'm over it myself. M: Oh god I'm so in B: I'm not even going to check facts by rewatching the movie. We're freeballing this shit. And it will be AWESOME.

Customer Service

B: Dude customer came in and said can I ask you a question. You have NO IDEA how badly I wanted to say, it's hooded and at the top of the vagina.

B: I controlled myself.

M: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahh. Oh please do and when he says "what?" just smile and ask if you can help him with anything. No one will believe his story. oh please.

Defense Strategy

B: I have a goddamn yeast infection and I want to punch everyone at work in their stupid fat faces.

M: ahahahahahaha all that nasty sex!! That's a badge of honor. I'd lay my vagisil proudly on my desk. It says "I have amazing sex and I might be contagious." It's a win-win. People will envy you and leave you alone.

B: And if they don't then the itching and burning will clearly aid in my insanity defense when I stab their faces off.

M: Completely.

Hygeine

M: I am spending the day shaving my carpet. Literally.
M: My fucking vacuum ate the shit out of the rug in my front room so I have to shave it square by square with J's trimmers.

B: We really are living the dream.

M: Also. Don't try googling "how to shave a carpet". the results will not be helpful.

B: Well not helpful for your current situation but I imagine there are educational opportunities there.

M: Right. What I call "the lazy look" or "winter" has a very big following in the porn industry.

B: I think that's going to be my next goal - rocking an epic bush. I want to make some unsuspecting dude startle.
B: Lots of thigh hair action too. Hanging out the sides of the underpants. Thoughts?

M: I think it would be very retro. Plus swimming suits would be awesome.

B: I will name it "Kate Moss".

M: Or Chewbacca.
M: You can buy bigger underwear to accomodate her.

B: Chewbacca sounds bitey. I want to startle, not never get laid. Vagina dentata seems intimidating.

M: Ok Princess Leia then?

B: I like how your mind works.

M: Keep track of all the comments you get when guys first see her and we can write a book.

Zombies

B: So I've been watching The Walking Dead. Like nonstop. I walk into my house and it smells weird. Instead of thinking something normal, like I need to take the trash out, my first thought is "Oh shit! There is prob a zombie in here". That's totally rational, right?

M: Completely. Hopefully you were prepared to kill it through it's brainstem. PS - I think you are totally badass to watch that show solo. J loves it and I am a total weenie about it.

B: It scares the shit out of me!

M: It makes me want to hoard supplies like the Mormon people do.
M: Scratch that- too much work. It makes me want to be friends with more Mormon people.
M: Also, I'm sure our supplies of vodka and lortab would not be on the Mormon list.
M: My phone just autocorrected lortab to Korean! Although all are welcome at my zombie party, no discrimination here.....

B: See above restrictions for why we dont have more Mormon friends. I think it makes sense for us to focus on lortab and vodka. Let them take care of the other shit and during the zombie invasion we will pretend to convert when we get hungry.

M: This is why you are in charge of asset management in our little company! you amaze me with your ideas.

B: I bet a Korean on lortab would be sort of fun. Sort of like how Asians with southern accents make me laugh without fail.

M: True story. Have you tried the new doughnut shop over by me? Run by aforementioned Asian folks and its amazing!

B: Holy Shit! I must go immediately to get Asian doughnuts.

M: They have meat filled ones........

B: Shut your whore mouth. Meat doughnuts? That sounds delicious.

M: Right?? More things should be filled with meat.

B: I want a cheesburger doughnut now. And I wand to eat it zombie style with lurching.

M: Hide under your car if you see them coming, apparently zombies are stupid and dont bend down. PS- why isnt Jesus considered a zombie?? Not fair that he got a pass

B: Zombies aren't thinkers but being one doesnt seem too stressful though. Except Jesus I guess. He had to be kind of tense during all that unpleasentness, dont you think? If he were all, "it's ok, I suffer for you" how come no one said, " Whatever Zombie Jesus, thanks for the guilt trip".

Advice

B: I am wearing a supremely bad ass scarf today and a customer told me it looked like road kill. I hate people.

M: You should have stabbed them with your knitting hook

B: As always you're absolutely right?
B: Not a question. Stupid phone.

M: It could be a question though. As if verifying my awesome correctness??

B: Good point.